So much change

So much has changed in my life over the last year.
I don’t even know where to begin.
So much change, so much pain, and some joy.
Things have gotten to the point that I question what my purpose is anymore; I question what brings me joy.
I lost the last of my parents a couple months ago. My mother has passed away.
Again I was the one one to bury their parent, the burden of an only child.
I had to make all the decision; I had to adult.
I did it – I made the decisions, mourned mostly alone, and went through the motions of living life.
Just now months later the fog starts to clear and I am able to make decisions again with an amount of confidence.
While I lost my mom only a couple of months ago in physical form, the truth is that I have been in pain much longer. Many years in fact. She did not get to enjoy her life and it pained me to see her in that form. So I am very conflicted in feeling relief that she (and I) are no longer suffering but at the same time intensively sad for losing her.
What the future holds in store for me I do not know.
I do know that I would like to try to not make the same mistakes my parents did: My dad enjoying life too much to the detriment of his health and my mom not enjoying life enough to the detriment of her health.
There has to be a balance between work and joy. I need to determine that perfect balance for myself.
For work it means finding work that fulfills me but is not my sole purpose.
For joy it is exploring and finding those things that bring joy to me.
I would not be honoring my mom if I followed in her footsteps. It is obvious that the choices she made did not make her happy. All she has ever wanted is for me to be happy and cared for. I was her world for much of her life.
So I will do the things that make ME happy. It may appear at times to be selfish but that is the path I need to take to heal and to make sense of what I am left with in this world.
I envision some sort of Eat, Pray, Love experience in my future….minus the divorce and probably much shorter in scale.
Stay tuned.

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